a weird place..

My boyfriend of the past year just proposed!  We’re going to spend the next year preparing for our soon-to-be journey as one.  After a year of engagement, we’ll be surrounded with love at our immaculate wedding.  We still won’t be in any rush to have kids, until we’ve spent a couple of years enjoying and deepening our relationship as newlyweds, then we’ll go ahead and be fruitful and multiply.  We both were climbing the ladder to success when we met, so by the time we start a family, we’ll be in formidable places in our careers.

Yeah, well, life doesn’t always go as planned, now does it?!  Okay, I understand that, but dang!  I’d think it’d be going a little better than it is now.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m truly grateful for all the blessings God has bestowed upon me.  Tears literally can (and have) come rolling down my face while contemplating His grace and mercy on my life.

My, ambitiously future-minded, 16-year-old self would be in disbelief of my, quarter-life crisis, 24-year-old self.  In my adolescence, I just knew what life would look like in my young adulthood.  I’m not there.

picture of me on my 16th birthday
a MySpace post from my 16th birthday

I’m doing great, but I’m doing horribly.  I have plenty of time, but I’m running out of time.  I’m at a weird place.

As thankful as I am, it doesn’t negate my inadequate state of being.  Though people seem to think that I “have it all together” and I’m “doing it big”, I don’t and I’m not.  In addition to these types of compliments, people have even been moved to ask me for financial assistance.  I’m unsure as to where this idea stems, because I definitely don’t create the facade that I have it like that.  Shoot, I’ll be the first to turn down an invite and tell you “ouu.. maybe after payday.. and, I’ll have to see what my check is looking like”.  Who knows when I’ll stop living paycheck-to-paycheck?!

And that’s what this blog post is about.  “The sense of desolation, isolation, inadequacy, and self-doubt, coupled with a fear of failure” are defining factors of the quarter-life crisis, as researched by life coach Alice Stapleton.  I’m not in a good place, and no one else is in this less-than-good place with me.  I’m not enough, I’m not good enough, and it’s unclear to me if/when I will be.  Not being successful is unfathomable, yet it haunts me.

As I write and re-read the previous paragraph to myself, goodness!  That’s a dreadful way to feel, but got dog it, it makes no sense to lie to myself, that’s the way I feel, and IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL THAT WAY!

That’s where I am.  Even though I’m not ecstatic about it, exactly where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be.  Every moment builds towards a better me.  My pressure from self and uncertainty may not feel too pleasant at the moment, but I’m consoled in knowing it will make for a good feeling later.  You know when you’ve been tied up all day without eating, then you finally get some food and wonder “either this food is bangin’ or I’m just that hungry”?  Yeah, that’s how it is, my stomach is growling right now, but I’ll be eating soon and it’s going to taste so freaking good!

According to psychologist Oliver Robinson, “identity exploration, idealistic possibility, a feeling of in-betweenness, a focus on self, and instability across basically all of life, from relationships to values,” are the five factors that combine to make emerging adulthood one of the most stressful periods in the human experience.  Any other millennials out there that have experienced (or are experiencing) a quarter-life crisis?  Let me know;  comment below!

Note: I know my friends/family may be tempted to come on here reassuring me of my future greatness, but please don’t feel the need to do so.  I didn’t write this for affirmations.  It’d really be nice to hear from people that can relate and have a dialogue about this experience.  thanks , much love to you all , xoxo

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